Imaginary Boyfriend

This evening as I am driving home from class, I started thinking about the class events and conversations. If you've been keeping up with my posts you know I like a guy and he doesn't know it. If he does know it, he hasn't said anything or made any comment to his knowledge. Well, this guy is in my college classes; we are going for the same major and enrolled at the same time so we've been through the entire program together.
Tonight we were talking about relationships and he mentioned he was talking to a girl 2 counties away. My heart sank...again. I got to thinking about this and decided I needed to figure out what was in my head, my heart and process; so I drove past my house. My radio was on and it was playing Thomas Rhett "Marry Me". I personally don't care for the song but feel like that is my feelings for this guy so I listened, and drove, and processed.
Amidst all of this the thought came to my mind, he has many girls, but it's just as many physical girls as you have had imaginary guys.....
I have a problem of putting myself to sleep thinking about the perfect relationship, or a story I made up in my mind, or a good looking actor. These guys, or men, don't exist for who I make them to be...it's just that, I made them what I wanted them to be. It's not reality. It's not real.
So I have come to the conclusion, that I can't get upset at this guy in class for having another girl, when I "have another guy". No, mine isn't a physical human being. But the emotional attachment in my mind is still relevant.

Waiting

Your in my head
Please go away.
I like you too much
I have to say.

You are my dream
You are the guy.
Who has may heart
Even when I try,

To forget the bad
And see only good,
My mind reminds me
Of what I should.

See who you are
See the real you
It's not who I need
It is what I choose

The qualities I like
Are quite the kind
That makes me look away
That makes me change my mind

Time and time again
I fall for your smile
Every time I do
I go the next mile

Waiting for you to change
Waiting for the time
That you will be the one
That I can call mine

Not-So My Guy

I am not a writer by no means! But if inspired, if the words come easy I can write. These days my head is in a whirlwind and I can hardly tell what is up or down. You he the benefit of It! Poems from the heart.

Not-So My Guy

Your in my head
Please go away.
I like you too much
I have to say.

You are my dream
You are the guy.
Who has may heart
Even when I try,

To forget the bad
And see only good,
My mind reminds me
Of what I should.

See who you are
See the real you
It's not who I need
It is what I choose

The qualities I like
Are quite the kind
That makes me look away
That makes me change my mind

Time and time again
I fall for your smile
Every time I do
I go the next mile

Waiting for you to change
Waiting for the time
That you will be the one
That I can call mine

Be Still

That is my problem. I can't be still. I don't want to be still.
I have not been diagnosed, but if I were tested and watched you would probably come to the conclusion that I am ADHD. I don't sit still, I need to be busy. If I am not physically busy, my mouth is going in, or my mind is highly active. It takes a long time for me to calm down enough for me to sleep. So being still is not in my nature. I am a go getter. I love highly intense, with a need for action days. Give me a weeks worth of work and I'll do it in a day. That's just the way I am. And I'm finding out, that this is a good and bad trait to have. While good in the work place, it's bad in a relationship; especially one with the Father.
So how do you combat this urge to move? My first thought, tranquilizers. I'm kidding!!! My really thought is training. We train ourselves for all manner of skills and processes. So if I can train myself to sit still, I will know how to control myself when I need too.
How am I going to do that??? I will start with early morning coffee and stillness for 5 minutes. Increasing every week by 5 minutes. We will see how this goes and I'll keep you posted as to the progress and how it's going.

When it Rains

It is flooding right now at my job. The plants love it......for a while. Then they get enough and want the rain to stop. But what can they do? They are a plant. An inanimate, but living thing. It has no power to move. It has no option to change its location.
We a human beings have that option. We put ourselves in place and predicaments that we don't have to endure. We have the ability to remove ourselves from bad situations. We have the option to say no when everyone else says yes.
If we have this power why don't we use it? Why don't we exert the authority of it? Because we do have that option. And not always do we want what is best for us. We get stuck in the rutt that we don't want to put forth any effort to change. It's too hard to change. It's to complicated to make the difference. It's not worth it to me, to make a move, be the voice or take the cut. But we as people have been given the chance to have a purpose and to live with the ultimate power inside of us! Jesus is that power and all you must do is call on it if you are a Christian. It's as simple as calling on a friend. It's as easy as saying Lord help me. We have the power......use it!

The Trigger to my Humanity

I'm caught in a twix between living as the Christian I am, and living as a sinner full of worldly lust. It seems that I have been conditioned to live the good girl life since childhood and growing up in church around only good influence has helped that. Now I'm an adult and the choice is mine to make ... What music do I like, who do I want to hang around, ect.
These past few weeks I have subjected myself heavily to country music, The Vampire Diaries and giving in to whatever my flesh wants. In watching this show, I am finding myself acting like 'I flipped my humanity switch'. Nothing matters. Do whatever you want. I don't care about anything. 
So the question remains, what is the trigger to turn it back on? How do I get back to caring?

Loneliness

This morning, life sucks.
Last night I had my eyes opened to the way of a guys mind. Only one area mind you, but the revelation was startling, sickening, and terrible. I know we will never understand the opposite sexes mindset, but I had the opportunity of listening to this guy go on about his bored state at work and what his lack of a relationship led him to do. Now, as a disclosure, everyone has a right to do as they please, you live by your own code, and I am not here to judge; I only judge for myself.
So this guy got bored at work, got on a social dating site and went to swiping away. When a response came he played the girl to whatever kind of guy he thought she was looking for. If she was looking for the southern gentleman, he was that. If she wanted the jerk, he was one. Whatever she pleased from a guy, he changed himself to fit....just for the fun of it.
Now I state my opinion: when I saw what this guy had done I knew in myself that I could never be with a guy like that and I wondered how many other guys practiced this. Confession, I liked this guy, but after this revelation, I knew I did not want that in my relationship. I have seen him be nice and sweet to his exes, but now the question in my mind is, how much of it was real? How much of our friendship is real?

This guy...

All I can is think of you
All I do is dream.
With everything in me I know is true
Believing is harder it seems.

The truth is I know not what
It keeps me up at night
Are you good? Are you bad?
Are you wrong? Are you right?

I want to be the one for you
For you to be for me
In every moment that we have
I see what we could be.

But for now you are not mine
For now we are apart
Just hear this, and know this
It's coming from my heart.

I look for you and watch for you
Waiting for a single moment
When you will look at me to see me
And feel like I'm heaven sent.

God will have to open your eyes
If for me you are the one
So go ahead and live your life
I'm looking to the Son.

The more I wish, the more I dream
The more I think of you.
The more I hope the time is soon
To make it all come true.

~Bethany

To the guy who doesn't see me, or see I like him. I know we are adults here but things keep getting in the way. He's one way and in one place and I'm in another. He has things to work out and issues to attend too. For me to process my feelings it comes out better on paper. So I hope you enjoyed this little poem I wrote in 20 minutes.

Giving out of Nothing

I know what your thinking, how can you give out of nothing? How can you give if you have nothing?
I am a musician, I play fiddle, piano and anything else I can get my hands on. I also sing with my siblings. With this talent comes an expectation to perform and/Or leas the worship. I love doing what I do, but today I don't have it. What is 'it'? Jesus. I don't have His touch today. And so that brings me to the question, how can you give when there is nothing in you to give? I must simply trust that God has a mighty hand and a greater plan. But to do that, I must have faith and trust in Him to do that. And to have that I must have a personal walk with Him. Of which I do not have.
So, what do you do, when you are playing the part of a good, Christian girl, and yet you don't have the power of God active in your life? That's a really good question. And truthfully, I don't have the answer for it.
So when told about the nursing home ministry today, I said I had to work. I did, but the rain came and I didn't. Instead of making it in time and none of them knowing the truth, I sit here, watching the plants, and pondering the truth of the matter. I don't have a personal walk with Jesus, and I have nothing to give.

Friends?

This past week, I have been pondering friendship. I don't have one of those " we've been friends since childhood, or the "your no longer a friend, your family". I've never had someone that close as a friend.
While going through this thinking I came to the point of a "friend purge" on my social media. I unfriended and unfollowed to the point of being down to 42 followers in Instagram. Why is it, that even if we slightly know someone, we want to follow their life as if we are personal friends. I eliminated 25 people, just off Instagram, that I was keeping up with, that I had only met once and would probably never meet again.
So the question that drives this post is, what is true friendship? I know it's not a Facebook following. It's not you liking all of my Instagram posts. It's not a call twice a year even! To me, friendship is being there for each other when you have no one else to talk to. When your going through a tough time and you need a shoulder to cry on. When no one else cares, that person is there for you. They keep your secrets, and you keep theirs.
Any relationship, has time invested. Friendship had a lot of this element! If you want to be called my friend, you must have had many hours with me to the point of you knowing me really well. Don't call me your friend if I don't know your favorites. Don't call me your friends if we never talk. And Please! Don't get mad if I tell you we are just acquaintances on account of any one of these things being left out.